Monday, November 17, 2014

Our Saving Grace


When I found out I was pregnant with Olive, it was quiet a shock. She was a very unexpected surprise. You see, I had just given birth a few months earlier, to a sweet little preemie, at just 23 weeks. So many thoughts had gone through my mind. I had planned on Avery being my last child, I had even signed the consent forms to get a tubal during her c-section. That was the plan.  If there was one thing I have learned, it is that life does not go according to plan. 




Her dad was not pleased, and even pushed multiple times for me to get an abortion. Something I knew I could never do. Something I just didn't believe in. He tried to claim that this baby would be the reason for our failed marriage, when I knew better. That marriage had failed long ago. How could I just give up on this tiny little soul. I had already loved her, and little did I know, just how much she would save us. 




I didn't tell anyone about her pregnancy, except her father, and a few close friends. Moms of many get so much hate for continuing to have children, and this wasn't the best of circumstances. I went through many emotions. Fear. Fear that I would deliver early again, fear that she wouldn't even make it to a viable gestation, fear that yet another thing was going to go wrong. Joy. Joy as I secretly hit a new week of pregnancy, joy as I watched my belly grow, and felt this new little miracle grow inside of me. I was terrified, I was happy, I was angry, I was sad. But I was in love. 



When I hit 23 weeks, the gestation her sister had been born at, I sighed with relief. Nobody every wishes for a premature baby, but I felt like I could breathe a little knowing had she been born then, she could make it. When I continued to hit milestones in her pregnancy I began to get excited, and have hope. After I hit 25 weeks, I decided that it was time to share my secret. Time to let the world know that little Olive was going to make her debute in February, just 11 months and a few days after her sister was born. Of course, this news came as quite the shock to everyone, as it did myself when I first found out. I had some negative comments, I had some hate, I even had some public facebook bashing. But I also had an amazing amount of love and support, and those were the people who mattered. 




As my pregnancy reached an end I was so excited to meet this new little love. To give Avery a sister, in a house of blue. To give my 6 boys another sister, that they have prayed so much for. I started referring to Olive as my little 'grand finale', because that is exactly what she was. I made sure to sign the tubal papers way ahead of time, to be prepared for her birth. She was the last person in our family. Our little grand finale. 



I sat in my hospital bed, after her birth, just holding her. Staring into her eyes, dreaming of the little girl she would become. Weeping for joy that she was here, and she was perfect. Weeping in sadness because I knew in my heart that her world would differ so much from her big sisters. Mourning the loss of all of the things I would never get to do with Avery, that I would with Olive. But she was here, she was perfect, and she was mine. A couple of close girlfriends came to the hospital to support me, to hold my hand during birth so I wouldn't have to do it alone, and to be my rock when I had nobody else. For that, I am forever grateful for them.



It took forever for me to pick out a middle name for our little Olive. I went back and forth, I asked others opinions, but in the end there was one name that fit her best.

I named her Olive Grace.

Olive has brought nothing but joy to our lives, and what I didn't know, was how much our family was going to need her. After Avery passed away, that little girl got us through days we didn't think we could make it through. She comforted her big brothers in ways that nobody else would have been able to. She was the calm in our raging storm. She may not have been our plan, but she was part of a greater plan.  She was the missing puzzle piece to our little family puzzle.



To say that we love this little girl is the understatement of the world. She saved us.
Our little saving Grace.

4 comments:

  1. Even though my children are grown and I'm a grandma now, I really enjoy reading your stories and seeing your pictures! I follow you on Facebook (Shannon Janee Barraza) and Instagram (granny2larc). God bless! *hugs*

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  2. I love this. I'm so thankful that God gave you your little Olive Grace. He truly does know just what we need long before we know we need it. It's amazing how He works, isn't it?!

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  3. This brought tears to my eyes. Beautifully written and so true. She's a special girl.

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  4. A www :) I never knew the details, every child is a blessing! She was an extra special one wants she :) our surprise baby has been a super blessing to us too. God knows best, I'm so glad you have your sweet Olive :)

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