Monday, November 17, 2014

Our Saving Grace

When I found out I was pregnant with Olive, it was quiet a shock. She was a very unexpected surprise. You see, I had just given birth a few months earlier, to a sweet little preemie, at just 23 weeks. So many thoughts had gone through my mind. I had planned on Avery being my last child, I had even signed the consent forms to get a tubal during her c-section. That was the plan.  If there was one thing I have learned, it is that life does not go according to plan. 

Her dad was not pleased, and even pushed multiple times for me to get an abortion. Something I knew I could never do. Something I just didn't believe in. He tried to claim that this baby would be the reason for our failed marriage, when I knew better. That marriage had failed long ago. How could I just give up on this tiny little soul. I had already loved her, and little did I know, just how much she would save us. 

I didn't tell anyone about her pregnancy, except her father, and a few close friends. Moms of many get so much hate for continuing to have children, and this wasn't the best of circumstances. I went through many emotions. Fear. Fear that I would deliver early again, fear that she wouldn't even make it to a viable gestation, fear that yet another thing was going to go wrong. Joy. Joy as I secretly hit a new week of pregnancy, joy as I watched my belly grow, and felt this new little miracle grow inside of me. I was terrified, I was happy, I was angry, I was sad. But I was in love. 

When I hit 23 weeks, the gestation her sister had been born at, I sighed with relief. Nobody every wishes for a premature baby, but I felt like I could breathe a little knowing had she been born then, she could make it. When I continued to hit milestones in her pregnancy I began to get excited, and have hope. After I hit 25 weeks, I decided that it was time to share my secret. Time to let the world know that little Olive was going to make her debute in February, just 11 months and a few days after her sister was born. Of course, this news came as quite the shock to everyone, as it did myself when I first found out. I had some negative comments, I had some hate, I even had some public facebook bashing. But I also had an amazing amount of love and support, and those were the people who mattered. 

As my pregnancy reached an end I was so excited to meet this new little love. To give Avery a sister, in a house of blue. To give my 6 boys another sister, that they have prayed so much for. I started referring to Olive as my little 'grand finale', because that is exactly what she was. I made sure to sign the tubal papers way ahead of time, to be prepared for her birth. She was the last person in our family. Our little grand finale. 

I sat in my hospital bed, after her birth, just holding her. Staring into her eyes, dreaming of the little girl she would become. Weeping for joy that she was here, and she was perfect. Weeping in sadness because I knew in my heart that her world would differ so much from her big sisters. Mourning the loss of all of the things I would never get to do with Avery, that I would with Olive. But she was here, she was perfect, and she was mine. A couple of close girlfriends came to the hospital to support me, to hold my hand during birth so I wouldn't have to do it alone, and to be my rock when I had nobody else. For that, I am forever grateful for them.

It took forever for me to pick out a middle name for our little Olive. I went back and forth, I asked others opinions, but in the end there was one name that fit her best.

I named her Olive Grace.

Olive has brought nothing but joy to our lives, and what I didn't know, was how much our family was going to need her. After Avery passed away, that little girl got us through days we didn't think we could make it through. She comforted her big brothers in ways that nobody else would have been able to. She was the calm in our raging storm. She may not have been our plan, but she was part of a greater plan.  She was the missing puzzle piece to our little family puzzle.

To say that we love this little girl is the understatement of the world. She saved us.
Our little saving Grace.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Dear Avery,

It has only been a couple of days with out you. It feels like a lifetime. Our entire world revolved around you, my dear, and now there are constant reminders every where we look. It hasn't sunken in yet. It doesn't feel real. I keep looking over expecting to see your tiny feet sticking out of your rock n play, happily rocking back and forth. I keep expecting to reach over and pick you up, only the chair is empty.

When I get in the car, or turn on the radio, every song reminds me of you. Things like 'knocking on heavens door' come on, and I can't help but think that is your way of saying hello. Please say hello more often, my love.

Today is mommy's birthday. My only wish would be to hold you in my arms, just one more time. To see your sweet smile that lit up your entire face. To hear that silent little giggle you had, when you were the most happy. How will I go on with out those things?

Today I have to say the hardest thing I will ever have to say. Today I have to tell your brothers that you are not coming home. How do you get the strength to say something like that to your children? They wished on stars for you, sweet girl. You were loved and adored from day one. I know their world is coming crashing down today, and it breaks my heart.

I don't know how we will get through this. But I know that we will, some how. Little miss, you taught us more in your short 2 years, than we could have learned in a lifetime. You were our little miracle, a special gift from above. I am forever grateful to have know you, love you, and call you my daughter.

Mommy misses you, Sassy.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Dear Olive

This morning I quietly tip toed into your room. It was still dark, but the hall light shined in just enough for me to see the shape of your face, and your little body. There you were, curled up, and sleeping on your stomach, your favorite way to sleep. Your thumb still in position, but barely touching your lips. Every once in a while the corner of your mouth would curl up in a smirk, and I wondered what you were dreaming about. You looked so peaceful, and I didn't want to wake you.

Today is your birthday, my love. Today you are an entire year old. Last night I put an infant to sleep, and this morning in her place I found a one year old. Some how, in those 12 hours of sleep, you
seemed to have grown up over night.

My favorite part of our morning is when I pick you up out of bed, and your body sinks in against mine, and your head rests comfortably on my shoulder, as if it was made just for that. Your arm instantly goes around my neck, and I want to freeze that moment forever.

We barely made it out of your room before your brothers break out in song, singing 'Happy Birthday' to you. You smile and wave at them, and give me a look of absolute joy. You are so loved, my baby girl. None of us could imagine what life would be like with out you in it. We are so blessed.

It is hard to believe that an entire year has passed since your birth. We had an amazing year together, and I can not wait to see what year 2 has in store for you.

Thank you for being my daughter.

Happy First Birthday!


Saturday, August 3, 2013

Back to school!

Here in Arizona school starts much earlier than we are used to. Back in Washington school did not start until September, so naturally I was under the impression that we had plenty of time to prepare. Wrong. School starts in TWO days! Everyone is now registered, and completely excited about the new school year.

This weekend the kids and I went to Old Navy and picked up some uniforms, and tomorrow we are heading to Walmart to pick up some school supplies. We already have a few things that they need, but we will be able to pick up the last bit of stuff tomorrow.

 This year half of my children will be in school. We have a Kindergartener, a 1st grader, a 2nd grader, and a 3rd grader. I have gotten used to having them all home this summer, so it will be a bit of an adjustment to not having them home. I am sure it will be an adjustment for everyone, though. The older boys have to adjust to being gone most of the day, my toddlers have to adjust to not having their big brothers at home, and I have to adjust to letting them go for such a long period of time.

I am looking forward to hearing all about their day when I pick them up. Seeing all of the art work they did, and listening to them talk about their new friends and adventures.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


I took this picture of Avery and Olive when the girls were 11 months old, and 5 days old.

I took this picture of the girls the other day, at 15.5 months and 4.5 months old.

Look how much they have both grown and changed in the last 4ish months!
These girls have such an incredible bond, and I am so happy that they have each other.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Four months old

I blinked, and our sweet Olive turned 4 months old. 

I went to take a quick '4 month' snapshot, and the boys could not decide which hair bow she should wear. So she wore 3 different ones!

She is an absolute joy to have in our life.
These last 4 months with her have been amazing.